Being a Polite Guest

By Julian Dunraven, J.D., M.P.A.

Honorable Friends:

Recently, while attending the anniversary party of some old friends, I found myself in a rather disturbing conversation with a few executives from the banking world. Each of these gentlemen complained that their latest young hires out of college lacked any semblance of professionalism—even when commanding six figure salaries. This lack of professionalism, they noted, was especially pronounced in any social situation. They then asked me if colleges bother to teach any sort of professionalism or etiquette today. Sadly, I expect the answer is generally, “No.” Although, I certainly try to instill a sense of professionalism in my own students, it is difficult to train people in a classroom for how they should act in a ballroom—or even a dining room. Nonetheless, I shall try to address some of the biggest etiquette problems of the dinner party here.

The invitation:
Unless you receive an invitation to an open house party, you need to reply to the host and accept or decline the invitation—and not a mere hour before your arrival. The R.S.V.P. is not optional, despite the literal translation.

Never ask who else is attending. This is rude. You are at least supposed to pretend you are happy to see the hosts over anyone else. As most modern invitations are online with a visible guest list, this should not pose much difficulty for anyone.

Finally, once you accept, you should not cancel unless a true emergency arises. And no, a better invitation is not an emergency.

What to wear:
If the invitation does not stipulate a dress code, then ask the host. While most modern social gatherings are casual, this does not grant a license to wear anything. One should never wear flip-flops, shorts, or tee shirts to anything other than the beach, a pool party, or an outdoor barbeque. There is nothing wrong with being comfortably slovenly in the privacy of your own home, but when others have to look at you, try for at least a modicum of fashion.

When to arrive:
Arrive on time for an invitation with a set end time, and no more than half an hour late for an invitation with an open ending.

What to bring:
While it is never appropriate to expect a gift, there are few people as annoying as those guests who expect to be feasted and entertained, yet never bring anything to offer in exchange for such hospitality. Such people should not expect to be invited a second time. Each guest at any party should traditionally bring either a bottle of wine or loaf of bread as a guest gift in appreciation for the hospitality they will receive. The host, gets to set the menu, however, so do not be offended if your wine is carted off to the cellar; it is for the host’s use—not yours.

If you want to be truly helpful, call the host and ask if there is anything you can do to help, or something extra you can bring. Hosts often appreciate a salad, desert, or side dish, but are far too polite to request them. They will certainly appreciate them if you offer, however.

What not to bring:
Perhaps even more annoying than the guests who bring nothing are the guests who bring what is not invited. An invitation goes to the addressee alone unless it specifically states otherwise.

Do not bring a date. Unless the invitation says, “and guest,” or the host tells you to bring someone, assume a date is not welcome. Only spouses and engaged couples arrive together at a party. Even then, however, if the party is only for employees, or involves only men or women, spouses are not welcome. And no, you may not ask the host. That only puts pressures them to acquiesce. If the host asks why you did not bring a date, then feel free to do so next time. However, unless specifically told otherwise, the invitation goes to the addressee alone.

This applies doubly to children. Adult parties are no place for children and one should never assume children are welcome. Sometimes, however, a host will make accommodations for children. If you know this is often the case, you may discretely ask the host. Do not be surprised, however, if the host responds that this particular party will be for adults only. Also, never assume that the host’s own children will, or even should, be available to entertain your own, and never invite other children of like age to create an children’s play group to entertain themselves while the adults party. The host may choose to do that—but you may not. Adults often host such parties to get a break from parenting responsibilities. Do not deprive them of that rare pleasure by forcing them to accommodate uninvited children.

As for pets, assume they are never welcome. Unless a host specifically asks you to bring your pet, you should leave it home. Do not ask the hosts or pressure them to accept your pet. Do not bring your pet and leave it sitting in the car hoping that the host will take pity. Leave it home. No matter how much you love your pet, it is not ever appropriate to bring it to the home of another uninvited.

Many people keep delightful, well trained, and well-groomed animals. Of course, such conscientious folk would not dream of breaking this rule. The people who break this rule tend to be thoughtless knaves who keep obnoxious, barely controlled beasts who have not had a bath in over a month and smell as if they just rolled in a dung heap. Yet, these people always think the rest of us find their little dog as cute and adorable as they do. We don’t. Leave them home.

What to say:
Conversation at a social party should be light and genial. In reply to the question, “How are you?” You should answer, “Fine, thanks. And you?” This should be your reply even if you just suffered the worst heartbreak in history, lost your entire family fortune on the stock market, and are currently dying of cancer. Your best friends may want to hear about that—privately—but people come to parties to enjoy themselves. Conduct yourself with good cheer and decorum or do not come.

Similarly, do not get so drunk you make a fool of yourself or start confessing the intimate details of your love life to all and sundry. You might have gotten away with such antics in University when people assumed you were afflicted with existential angst and professors were busy scrambling your brains, but after that, you are expected to have some decorum. To engage in such behavior among colleagues is especially disastrous. They will find you either grossly uncouth or laughably pathetic, and in both cases you will undermine any respect they have for you as a professional.

As for those of you who love politics, try to keep your discussions civil and light. No one ever succeeded in converting the opposition during a heated shouting match or by hurling personal attacks. They have, however, managed to ruin many good dinner parties and irked many dutiful hosts with such antics. Keep it light or walk away. If you make a boor of yourself, you will not find yourself invited back very often.


When to leave:
As if getting people to arrive and behave themselves properly is not hard enough, one of the most problematic areas for hosts is getting their guests to depart. The rule here is easy. If the invitation listed a set time range for the gathering, make sure you are out by the appointed hour. If, however, the party is open ended, you should depart thirty minutes after the hosts’ last offer of refreshments. If they do not repeat the offer, make for the door. Similarly, if the host rises and refuses to sit, it is time to depart.

There. Was that so hard? You have now mastered basic dinner party skills. Next time we can move on to advanced silverware and table conversation. Now, go forth and socialize.